Restore trust and heal hurt. Do what it takes to do so. These are two of the most important goals you can have for 2005.

All marriages and committed relationships have problems at times. You are together to have a happy, loving and successful life together. Not to disappoint, fight and hurt each other. Your success as a human being and as a spouse depend upon how you practice these goals. Behaviors are what count, not promises and good intentions. Realize it takes effort and time to change but do what you can every day. Small improvements count, like how you respond to a misunderstanding without anger, resentment and/or withdrawal. At least respond with irritation, not anger, and rationally describe your response while giving them a chance to correct the situation. Although that might take time. You will also improve your relationship by finding situations to increase when you show compassion, kindness and patience to your spouse.

Learn how to be the man or woman, and spouse, you want to be seen as being. Apply the skills you use to be successful in work and other areas of your life. Do more of what you yourself can do. A great marriage is worth it and a problem marriage creates a much less successful life, and an unhappy life, for everyone.

For private consultations and trainings please email Rosalinda O'Neill or call her office at 1.818.222.5469. Married For Life® is a division of
CEO LifeMentor at www.ceolifementor.com. We wish you well.

Your marriage is as successful as your commitment to make it so.
A husband who loves his wife, and yet did things that sabotage their closeness, kept struggling with this. He didn't understand what he was doing kept causing problems between them, though he readily admitted he was causing the problems. He agreed his wife was not doing anything to sabotage their marriage and had been patient with him even though she occasionally got angry at his actions. They both agreed they wanted a happy lasting marriage but he was having difficulty stopping himself from his selfish and destructive behaviors. She agreed to not get angry as often as he was trying to change.

I told him to keep in his heart the knowledge he wanted this marriage to be good and he had to practice behaviors to make it so. He also had to stop those behaviors that sabotaged his achieving this goal. Just having these commitments in his head had not given him the results he wanted. Changing the focus to his heart would make the difference. I believed in this man and his ability to succeed in this marriage. I knew he would succeed if he could feel in his heart and gut how important his actual behaviors were. This was more important than his intentions to be a good husband.

This husband is a responsible and successful man of the world of business, liked by all who know him, and he is a gentleman who truly loves his wife. This marriage began to thrive as he began to realize changing his own actions would create a pleasing closeness with his wife. He learned he must not allow himself to sabotage this closeness. With this strategy, he succeeded in being the husband he had always wanted to be. He and his wife are much happier, and they have begun to have the marriage that most of us dream about. They, their children and family relations, their work worlds, and their health are much better off because of their achievement of a successful marriage. It is clear that a great marriage makes a life more successful.

For private consultations and trainings please email Rosalinda O'Neill.

Love your in-laws with the kindness and respect you want them to love and treat you with. Do this for your own happiness and a lasting loving marriage. And do not get between your spouse and your in-laws. The Golden Rule of treating others as you wish to be treated certainly applies here. Even if you don't get it in return.

Your in-laws are a part of the person you married, whether they love them or not. Keep your contribution to the mix as affectionate, gentle and respectful of everyone as possible. Let people contribute to a good experience together and know sometimes there will be disagreements and difficulties. Keep your contribution forgiving, generous and supportive. Don't take out your hostility with your spouse on your in-laws. I hope someday you find yourself looking forward to being with them as much as I do with mine. If not, make your children's experience a loving one by being the best in-law you can be. The circle of life does continue to give us opportunties to make things better someday. Keep looking for those windows of opportunity.rosalinda@marriedforlife.net to let me know how this tip has helped you.

For private consultations and trainings call 877.3.MARRIED or email rosalinda@marriedforlife.net.

What do you want from your spouse and loved one? Name one specific item you want from them. Not everything. Just one thing. Is it you want them to be more patient with you, talk to you in a certain kinder way, have breakfast or another meal out at a pleasant restaurant or hotel once a week, or what? My chiropractor, Alan Rosenthal, smiled broadly at me the other day as he said "My wife thinks I listen well. And that makes me very happy." I think Alan listens well also but he has his priorities right in my book. It makes him feel good and is most important to him to know his wife knows he listens, especially to her. From the lovely things I hear about her from Alan, I would say she must listen kindly and respectfully to him also. I have known him for a long time and I know he is truly happy and not pretending.

Your loved ones hear you best when you talk to them them kindly and respectfully, like you would like to be told something. Word your information and request in the manner they will hear it best and do not attach blame in the process. If you are critical in your manner you will never get what you want. It will only drive them away and you will hurt more. The loneliness you share will hurt both of you and grow. Ask them to tell you what you can do for them. Have a pleasant conversation about these things and you will create more of the lovely marriage and life partnership you both want. I wish you well and invite you to email me at rosalinda@marriedforlife.net to let me know how this tip has helped you.

For private consultations and trainings call 877.3.MARRIED or email rosalinda@marriedforlife.net.

Punishment is one of the 9 Deadly Sins of Married For Life. When you act in any way that is punishing you push your partner away, hurt them, and keep yourself from being loved by them. It is that simple and yet may take some time for you, and them, to stop.

Think about your behaviors in the past three days. What did you do, if anything, that was punishing to your partner? How did that makes things worse? Punishing them always makes you less likely to be close, loved, trusted and understood. Make an agreement with yourself and then your partner to change this habit. It is a habit you want to stop. Once you truly commit to changing this you will find how much easier it is to resolve the disappointments, frustrations and hurts that made you strike out with punishment as your response.

Punishment can be covert or overt. Overt is more easily recognized like when you scream or yell, say mean things, or give them the silent treatment. Covert would be when you lay blame or guilt on them, don't do something you know they need or want like not getting their dry cleaning or favorite fruits, or make yourself unavailable as with overworking or participating in events that never include them.

It took me a number of years to fine tune my own responses to disappointments, frustrations and hurts so I don't punish. Now I rarely ever do it to anyone and I never punish my husband or other people I love and am close to. I tell them what I feel and think about what has happened without any screaming, shouting or much tears. We discuss the matter in a civil manner and come to a resolution of some kind. I may still be disappointed, frustrated or hurt by the reality but I feel a lot better about how we have dealt with it. People who are close to me feel a lot better about being told what was wrong in my view in a gentle and respectful way. We are all closer for it.

I had to learn that people who care about me and I am close to will disappoint, frustrate and hurt me without meaning to cause me pain. That might sound childish but I learned that punishment was what was deserved if I was seriously disappointed, frustrated or hurt. That is how I was treated and one of the reasons I try to avoid punishment by doing things right the first time. My stepfather even killed one of my dogs when I was 8 years old because of a small mistake my boxer, Sargeant, made. I always thought I was so nice because I would never do something like that. I grew into an adult who would just do other non-lethal or physically damaging things.

When you want to have stable lasting close relationships and a wonderful love partnership you will change. You will also patiently help your partner change or someday accept that they will not and then decide if the good outweighs the bad. That is another subject. Good luck in having another way to make your part of your life constructive and loving. For private consultations and trainings call 877.3.MARRIED or email rosalinda@marriedforlife.net.

April/May 2004 - No More Heartbreak Tip

Create moments where you are intimate with your spouse, and I don't mean just sexual. When men and women say something sweet, compliment, make time to be together, touch in a tender way or just speak kindly the feeling of intimacy is created. That is what you need, and what your spouse needs. Your lack of doing this is often the cause of your spouse's anger at you. Both women and men are guilty of this. Make it a point to do this today. Both of you. And appreciate what you get. Don't judge or criticize. You can enjoy being married. Call or email Rosalinda@marriedforlife.net

March 2004 - No More Heartbreak Tip

"Missed Opportunities" to show your compassion, love and respect determine whether you will be happy in your marriage, or lonely and wish you were not married to your spouse. This is a key cause of your arguments, stress and thoughts of divorce. Realizing this, and committing to learning how to improve your abilities in this area are required for a happy marriage and divorce prevention. You want to attend a baseball game or go to a certain theater show. You want your spouse to go because you want their company. If they can't or don't want to go, you want their support for you to go. Your spouse wants the same from you. This is the starting point. You and your spouse have to respect the times when one of you wants to do something that does not include the other. You could feel rejected and unloved, and one or both of you can be disappointed and get angry. Instead, respond with caring and understanding when they tell you they want to do something, and you do not want to do it or it just does not include you. However, do plan many more times where you do things together because the other wants you there. I have wonderful experiences because I am with the man I love and committed to for life. He does the same for me. 1) Tell the truth about what you want to do; 2) Show compassion, love and respect for the impact on your spouse and yourself of going or not going; 3) Describe your appreciation for any cost, not usually financial, to them (or you); 4) Do the same for your spouse each time you get the opportunity, in big and small ways; and 5) Never use this as a way of avoiding or distancing yourself from your spouse, or punishing them. Be constructive. Go to Married For Life.net to explore the publications and tips , and read ones that appeal to you. Call or email Rosalinda@marriedforlife.net to improve your abilities to make the most of opportunities to be happily married for life. Your marriage can be so much easier.

February 2004 - No More Heartbreak Tip

February is the month of Valentine's Day. National Guilt Day #2 right behind Mother's Day, National Guilt Day #1. So how do you survive Valentine's Day and even enjoy it with the person you love? Please remember you get a say in how you celebrate and acknowledge your love for this person. You can do it on Valentine's Day with something large or small, or nothing at all. What may seem small to one person seems grand to another. I'm having a romantic dinner with my husband on Valentine's Day Eve, February 13, 2004. This way we avoid the insanity, bad food and bad service of Valentine's Day dinner out. We get a second Valentine's dinner at home on February 14th with our son and share a special meal we all contribute to making. Their caring, love and smiles are all I need for a lovely Valentine's Day. All a man or woman wants is to be treated kindly and remembered in some sweet way. Actually, the greatest tip I can give you for this February 2004 is to practice being a sweet valentine every day of the month. And to give that to the person you love. When you fail and are unkind or yell at them, just apologize and mean it. We all do it. Try not to be mean or unkind in any way for one month. See how much better you both feel. Happy Valentine's Day all month long.

January 2004 - No More Heartbreak Tip

Forgiveness, your ability to forgive them and their ability to forgive you, is required for happiness in your marriage and all ongoing relationships. The genuineness of the apology, yours and theirs, determines if and when forgiveness occurs. For January 2004, do daily reminders of your commitment to improve you ability to forgive and apologize. Weekly, name three upsets you each have that show your difficulties with forgiveness and apology. Identify and ask for suggestions on how you can do it better. An apology that addresses the emotional impact creates the forgiveness we want. To get better at this, focus on how well you do it now and keep being more successful. If you do this, you will have a much easier time of it in your marriage and your life.

December 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip

December Holidays, like all family events, are a time of additional stress for everyone, including for you and your spouse or loved one. Tell them something they can do to make your holidays a little easier. Give them specific gift ideas to make you smile. Maybe samples from catalogues. Often inexpensive gifts mean the most. Count your blessings and let some holiday happiness and love into your life, even if you're going through a difficult time. Print our "12 Days/12 Ways to Beat the Holiday Blues" article. Happy Holidays.

	November 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Remind yourself how your life partner and spouse has shown you they appreciate, love and respect you. Write down one example of each. Use this reminder to help you remember how much you are receiving from your loved one and give them thanks for how they are good to you. What you want changed can be talked about at a later time. Happy Thanksgiving.

	October 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Notice how overloaded and tired your spouse and life partner is. Life is hard for them now. Forget what you need from them. Do something to give them the break and nurturance they need, and do it with joy. Let the pleasure and relief they experience be their way of showing you their appreciation.

	September 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Try this for a month. Stop yourself from being critical in what you say and how you act. Practice simple acts of kindness to your mate. At least once a day make sure you do something that makes them smile. See how their happiness turns into your happiness.

	August 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Laughter. How often this week did you laugh WITH your partner? When you fell in love with them you laughed together. I hope. Find the joy and laughter with this man or woman you love. Find it in your life and in yourself.

	July 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
When you are angry or upset, ask yourself these questions. How important is this upset really? Is it worth my being this angry or upset? What could I say to my husband or wife to lovingly communicate what I need from them and give me what I need from myself?

	June 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Write out your wedding vows. Assess the percentage of time your actions show the devoted and loving husband or wife you pledged to be. Celebrate the good from both of you and improve your own percentage. It will come back to you for your happilyeverafter Married For Life journey.

	May 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Your feelings are not always true reality. Feel disrespected or unloved because you are not listened to? The true reality may be that your loved one is distracted by joyful or traumatic stressors. Don't do damage. Be kind and understanding. Dialogue patiently. You'll both be happier.

	April 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Ask yourself what your expectations were for yourself in this marriage and if you are fulfilling them. What were your mate's expectations of you? How do they say you are fulfilling them? Life is too short. Build more happiness and sweetness together. Now.

	March 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip
Take a minute right now and email your spouse "I Love You". Wish them a nice day, thank them for some 'small' something they did around the house, and watch how you get that right back. Plus you will both feel, and be, closer. Enjoy!

February 2003 - No More Heartbreak Tip

Think about the latest disappointment or frustration you had with yourself, or someone else, in business or home. What quality of respect, trust, kindness, thoughtfulness, and fidelity did you receive? What did you give of these? Ask yourself what your expectation was, and how you were let down. How can you improve the situation with your own behavior practicing high levels of these qualities? Kindly ask the other person the same questions and listen to what each other has to say.